To all my lonely friends out there.

Dear blog,

I never really want to admit the fact that I can be lonely.

I’ve always try to find reasons to justify my presence at a certain location, in a particular event, with a certain someone. I’ve always try to put on a strong face when I am faced with this sudden lapse of loneliness that creeps on me at times I least expected it to be. At times, I feel lonely even though I might be surrounded by a group of people whom I call as my friend. But, are they really? Or are they just someone who happen to be at the same place, doing the things that I did, having the same interest as I have? Frankly, I don’t have a definite answer for that riddle.

Sometimes, I would think that I am not lonely in this world of mine.I would tell myself some words of encouragements. You are not alone. You have friends around you; There are friends who accept your invitation for dinner at a restaurant, friends who helped you in your assignments, friends who invites you to a movie, friends who went to the same school as you, friends who were there went you scored your first goal on the field, friends who are always there, nearby but seem miles away from you. These are your friends, always there for you, always there by your side.

However, there are also times when I have this strong suspicion on life itself. The same doubt lingers around my ears when I am alone in my room, in the bathroom, or even in class. Are these people whom I called as my friends real? Will they always be by my side? Will they ever cease to like me for what I am? Will they be ward off if they happen to see through the mask that I occasionally put on and not wanting to be associated with me anymore? As I contemplate on these questions, I was swept away by fear.

I felt that deep down, deep inside of me, there is a voice that is saying that I am alone in this world, eating alone, reading alone. There might be A or B by my side when I did this or that, but their presence serve to prove that they are just happen to be there at the right moment, right place. Their presence might be unplanned or even the labor of a calculative mind. But I am utterly afraid, I am afraid that the people whom I refer to as my friends are not my friends at all. They are just acquaintances. They are merely passersby in this ever changing life of mine. We might have established this sense of intimacy amongst us. But, I wonder whether this feeling would last long. Sooner or later, we will be separated by the fabrics of time and the strings of fate. Each and everyone of us would walk on the path that we choose for ourselves. The decisions that we made shaped who we are in the future. All of us walk on a converged road. All of us are different, conformity in the way we do, dress, think, behave would only reveal the truth uglier than we expect. As friends, we might not even recognize each other, years later on the street, even if we are the best of friends in college.

Aren’t friends are the people who would always be there with you?
Aren’t friends would always be at my side?
Aren’t friends suppose to be the people who will be there for you when you are down? Aren’t friends the people who are there to comfort you when you are feeling hopeless? Aren’t friends the one who would be obligingly listening to every whims that you have without a sense of tiredness?

The more, I try to justify my selfishness in wishing for things to be static, the more foolish I sound. I felt hypocrisy gripping my chest when I wish the best for my friends who will be embarking on a journey different from mine. Deep inside, an ugly me was wishing hard at the sublime powers of the world to bind them forever to me. I felt so guilty of myself when I tried to deny others of happiness just because I cannot stand the harsh reality that my friends would break away from the bond that link us together in pursuit of your own happiness. Who knows, may be one day just one day only I might have just done the same to my friends? And here I am, hoping that they would not desert me first. What a hypocrite I am!

I am afraid of the prospect of returning to my own place that I can call as my own, fatigued but alone. Solitary can be somewhat rewarding at times but I feel that I have yet to develop the appreciation that would help me to accept it. I wanted to be amongst people who would acknowledge my existence. I wanted to make an impact on the lives of those whom I know. I wanted to be remembered. Sound ridiculous, isn’t it?

But, I am a new person now, someone who knows how mean I am to wish for the demise of others to satisfy my egoistic desires. I now understand that this feeling of loneliness in innate in every one of us. It has always been there, urging us of the necessity to accept it and to make changes in our lives. It can be a poison, contaminating your outlook on life. Or, you can always try to accept things that it progress and hope that you have the strength to endure the changes that progress brought. Right now, I’m choosing the latter, to live in the present.

By the way, congratulate for my friends from INTEC who are flying to UMich. Life in this place will definitely be a bit dull after you guys leave. Then again, that’s college life I guess, to see people come and go.

Dear blog,
I don’t feel lonely anymore.

PS: this is not a suicidal note.