Dear blog, I have just celebrated my 19th Birthday.There was no fancy food or delicious cakes.
There was no big presents wrapped up nicely in expensive gift wrappers.
There was no boisterous screaming of excitement and binge drinking.
Everything was simple but enjoyable.My friends and I talked about the local happenings in Malaysia.We expressed different views on the political scene in our respective countries.We talked about donating blood.We gossiped.We laughed.We ate the food that we ordered from the menu while listening attentively at the discussions we had.
It was definitely memorable for me as I truly consider that should be the way for a person to celebrate his/her birthday.In our modern society, birthdays have become so commercialized that it gives me chills just to think of the overwhelming designs of gift wrappers and greeting cards found abundantly in stationary amd gift stores.We often heard of the notion that its the thoughts that really counts and gifts should not be valued according to their worth in the market.
Still, as hypocrite as I might sound, i do yearn for an expensive or an present chosen from the exquisite tastes of the giver.We all adore fancy gifts.We hope for big parties.We hope to hear people calling our names, wishing us a happy birthday.We enjoy being in the company of our family members and friends in celebrating this auspicious day in our life.Still, I do feel that company makes a whole lot of difference in defining one's birthday.
This year, my friends did not throw a big party for me.We did not go for the most expensive restaurant in town.Yet, I felt satisfied at being able to see the faces of people whom i met yaears ago, gathered at the restaurant despite the heavy raining.It shows that they care and I strongly believe that should be the way.
Birthdays ae the day that marks the continuation of life a step closer to the grave.My funeral might not be attended by a large crowd of people who would mourn for me and speak reverentially of my name, thinking of the deeds that i have committed in life.However, all of these does not matter.What matters most is that there's that special group of people who are there for me in my journey of life.
Thank you, my friends.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The meaning of hate
Dear blog,
What is hate to you?
What is the feeling of hate if you are granted emotions?
Honestly, I'm still searching for the answer.
For me, hate means a form of despair. Hate is a form of self-inflicted pain that cannot be described by words. Hate is a form of resentment. Hate is spite. Hate is jealousy. Hate is that feeling of pain when you see someone who have done you wrong. Hate is the feeling of yourself being engulfed by a sudden intense feeling that feeds on your rationality and character.
Dear blog,
I have always have this negative feeling about this particular person. I might put this negative energy as a form of hate.I hated the person from the bottom of my heart.I hated the way I was treated by him.I hated the way he smile at me.I hated the way our relationship have become. I never really like him and I feel that he too have a certain degree of resentment towards me. We despises each other and we are never shy in showing it.He was the bully and I was the victim.
The feeling of hatred existed between us. The feeling was very destructive. It was overwhelming. It consumed all my positive thoughts. It made me cursed my weakness. It made feel that I was worthless in life. It drives him to be more aggressive in treating and it drives me to hate him even deeper. I hated him. Hate was the only word that I can think of about the presence of this wretched fiend in my life. The seed of hatred was planted deep inside my heart, nourished by my inability to control my feelings and my hesitation in forgiveness.
We went our separate ways years ago and was reunited under the playful instruction of fate.Our reunion was short but it leaves a very deep mark in me.Just when I thought that I have loss the slightest respect for him, my facial muscles involuntarily moved and smiled at him.It happened so fast that I was unable to grasp the situation.It was as if all of the hatred and vindictive feelings that I had were vanquished by a sudden force.He nodded back and we went our separate ways again.
Was it forgiveness that I just gave him or it is merely a form of temporary truce?
Have all the hatred that I have cultivated in the abyss of my mind subdues?
For years, I have waited the time when I was strong enough to fight back with all of the suppressed feelings that festered in my heart. Clearly, I was amazed at how different I reacted during my last reunion with him. I hesitated in meeting with him and I am still confused of the sudden change that I have displayed during the encounter.
Perhaps it was because I have grown?
Perhaps all of the hate that I have for him has driven me to do better in life and to seek a chance to laugh back at him?
Perhaps my mind have evolved to such state that hate is no longer in me?
Perhaps it was an act of pride to my opponent? Patronizing him with my sudden act of forgiveness?
Perhaps it was a reflection of my state of happiness? Genuine happiness that was born out of the people I met and the experiences I gained?
Perhaps my wounds have healed a very long time ago without me ever noticing it?
Perhaps the hatred that I have was a indication of how weak I was and it was merely my way of putting the blame on him?
Perhaps I am longer troubled by painful memories of the past and choose the path towards a life without regrets and disappointment?
Perhaps I have evolved to another stage whereby I finally realized how excruciating it is to bear a grudge against someone for so long?
Perhaps it was time for me to move on?
Perhaps it was time for me to finally confront with my feelings?
Still, one thing remains certain.The hatred has gone and I do not hate him anymore.
That’s life I guess. We are often guided by our emotions in our daily endeavors. We often rely on our judgments that are unfortunately affected by negative emotions. Hatred, spite, vengeance, jealously, anger and pride are emotions that feed on our weak souls. We are not perfect and we cannot be devoid of emotions.
Negative emotions cannot be eradicated and it is a challenge for us to brace it.
It might be painful.
It might be humiliating.
It might be unbearable.
It might be hard.
But still, it is a necessity in life for us to fully understand our feelings and to fully understand how insignificant these negative thoughts are in comparison with the happiness at the end of our journey.
Forget about hate.
Forget about sadness.
Forget about all those feelings that pains you.
That’s life I believe.
What is hate to you?
What is the feeling of hate if you are granted emotions?
Honestly, I'm still searching for the answer.
For me, hate means a form of despair. Hate is a form of self-inflicted pain that cannot be described by words. Hate is a form of resentment. Hate is spite. Hate is jealousy. Hate is that feeling of pain when you see someone who have done you wrong. Hate is the feeling of yourself being engulfed by a sudden intense feeling that feeds on your rationality and character.
Dear blog,
I have always have this negative feeling about this particular person. I might put this negative energy as a form of hate.I hated the person from the bottom of my heart.I hated the way I was treated by him.I hated the way he smile at me.I hated the way our relationship have become. I never really like him and I feel that he too have a certain degree of resentment towards me. We despises each other and we are never shy in showing it.He was the bully and I was the victim.
The feeling of hatred existed between us. The feeling was very destructive. It was overwhelming. It consumed all my positive thoughts. It made me cursed my weakness. It made feel that I was worthless in life. It drives him to be more aggressive in treating and it drives me to hate him even deeper. I hated him. Hate was the only word that I can think of about the presence of this wretched fiend in my life. The seed of hatred was planted deep inside my heart, nourished by my inability to control my feelings and my hesitation in forgiveness.
We went our separate ways years ago and was reunited under the playful instruction of fate.Our reunion was short but it leaves a very deep mark in me.Just when I thought that I have loss the slightest respect for him, my facial muscles involuntarily moved and smiled at him.It happened so fast that I was unable to grasp the situation.It was as if all of the hatred and vindictive feelings that I had were vanquished by a sudden force.He nodded back and we went our separate ways again.
Was it forgiveness that I just gave him or it is merely a form of temporary truce?
Have all the hatred that I have cultivated in the abyss of my mind subdues?
For years, I have waited the time when I was strong enough to fight back with all of the suppressed feelings that festered in my heart. Clearly, I was amazed at how different I reacted during my last reunion with him. I hesitated in meeting with him and I am still confused of the sudden change that I have displayed during the encounter.
Perhaps it was because I have grown?
Perhaps all of the hate that I have for him has driven me to do better in life and to seek a chance to laugh back at him?
Perhaps my mind have evolved to such state that hate is no longer in me?
Perhaps it was an act of pride to my opponent? Patronizing him with my sudden act of forgiveness?
Perhaps it was a reflection of my state of happiness? Genuine happiness that was born out of the people I met and the experiences I gained?
Perhaps my wounds have healed a very long time ago without me ever noticing it?
Perhaps the hatred that I have was a indication of how weak I was and it was merely my way of putting the blame on him?
Perhaps I am longer troubled by painful memories of the past and choose the path towards a life without regrets and disappointment?
Perhaps I have evolved to another stage whereby I finally realized how excruciating it is to bear a grudge against someone for so long?
Perhaps it was time for me to move on?
Perhaps it was time for me to finally confront with my feelings?
Still, one thing remains certain.The hatred has gone and I do not hate him anymore.
That’s life I guess. We are often guided by our emotions in our daily endeavors. We often rely on our judgments that are unfortunately affected by negative emotions. Hatred, spite, vengeance, jealously, anger and pride are emotions that feed on our weak souls. We are not perfect and we cannot be devoid of emotions.
Negative emotions cannot be eradicated and it is a challenge for us to brace it.
It might be painful.
It might be humiliating.
It might be unbearable.
It might be hard.
But still, it is a necessity in life for us to fully understand our feelings and to fully understand how insignificant these negative thoughts are in comparison with the happiness at the end of our journey.
Forget about hate.
Forget about sadness.
Forget about all those feelings that pains you.
That’s life I believe.
Me? Turning older?
Dear blog,
I'm extremely sorry for not updating you for weeks and weeks.I've been busy, you see.
Dear blog,
I'll be turning 19 by the stroke of midnight and here I am wondering all of the things that I've been through for the past few years.
I recalled vividly my 18th birthday with me alone in my hostel, with no friends by my side. It was enjoyable at first doing things that I never dreamt of doing. Buying books that I never knew I enjoyed it. Eating foods abundantly found in the shopping complexes.
The experience was pleasant at first but the ecstatic feeling of being alone slowly evolved into a feeling of uneasiness slowly crawling over me. When I returned back to my hostel around 11 pm that night, I looked at the condition of my apartment(if it can be classified as an apartment).No one was there but me. No one was there to keep me company with the exception of my shadows dancing on the floor.
Just then, I realized that I have forgotten to reward myself with a piece of cake, as modern custom dictates as a necessity in a birthday celebration. As I lit the candle on top of an ordinary cake that I bought from a convenient store nearby, I closed my eyes and was contemplating on my birthday wish.
I began to wonder what I have done for the past 17 years.
I began to think of the tears that I shed. I began to think of the regrets that I have in life.
I began to think of the joyous moments that ever occurred in my life.
I began to think of the people around me.
I began to notice the change in my mentality and how it was different from my friends.
I began to think of myself as person-what I truly want in life.
As I blew away the flame of the short candle, darkness engulfed the room that I was in. Yet, a new light has been lit in me.
The light that guides me to go through every day with a smile.
The light that encourage me to wake from infinite dreams of uncertainties and despairs.
The light that motiovates me to work better next time.
It is human instinct to live and to survive. The primitive ability of man to rise from the defeats and despairs has always resulted in the birth of a new era. It has always been easy to strike down an old empire than to cultivate it. Life itself is like a game of war with each human has to conquer the fortress in him/her.
It is human nature for us to shirk from danger and to embrace the comfort zone. However, I do yearn for a challenge- the tasks of changing my self for the better and to live through hardships with steel-like determination.
That is the light that I’ve been talking about.
For my 19th Birthday, I wish for the same thing:
- to live life according to my standards and to expect the best from life!
I'm extremely sorry for not updating you for weeks and weeks.I've been busy, you see.
Dear blog,
I'll be turning 19 by the stroke of midnight and here I am wondering all of the things that I've been through for the past few years.
I recalled vividly my 18th birthday with me alone in my hostel, with no friends by my side. It was enjoyable at first doing things that I never dreamt of doing. Buying books that I never knew I enjoyed it. Eating foods abundantly found in the shopping complexes.
The experience was pleasant at first but the ecstatic feeling of being alone slowly evolved into a feeling of uneasiness slowly crawling over me. When I returned back to my hostel around 11 pm that night, I looked at the condition of my apartment(if it can be classified as an apartment).No one was there but me. No one was there to keep me company with the exception of my shadows dancing on the floor.
Just then, I realized that I have forgotten to reward myself with a piece of cake, as modern custom dictates as a necessity in a birthday celebration. As I lit the candle on top of an ordinary cake that I bought from a convenient store nearby, I closed my eyes and was contemplating on my birthday wish.
I began to wonder what I have done for the past 17 years.
I began to think of the tears that I shed. I began to think of the regrets that I have in life.
I began to think of the joyous moments that ever occurred in my life.
I began to think of the people around me.
I began to notice the change in my mentality and how it was different from my friends.
I began to think of myself as person-what I truly want in life.
As I blew away the flame of the short candle, darkness engulfed the room that I was in. Yet, a new light has been lit in me.
The light that guides me to go through every day with a smile.
The light that encourage me to wake from infinite dreams of uncertainties and despairs.
The light that motiovates me to work better next time.
It is human instinct to live and to survive. The primitive ability of man to rise from the defeats and despairs has always resulted in the birth of a new era. It has always been easy to strike down an old empire than to cultivate it. Life itself is like a game of war with each human has to conquer the fortress in him/her.
It is human nature for us to shirk from danger and to embrace the comfort zone. However, I do yearn for a challenge- the tasks of changing my self for the better and to live through hardships with steel-like determination.
That is the light that I’ve been talking about.
For my 19th Birthday, I wish for the same thing:
- to live life according to my standards and to expect the best from life!
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